Why They Ever Made Scented Candles...
by Lenalaye
Summary: V3 gets a magic wand? Cassie gets tortured by Lifehouse? Tobias gets sneezed on by a wolf? Marco and Jake trade pick up lines? Ax runs around with a lampshade on his head? What kind of mayhem is this?!! Why it's Anicat111's challenge of course. Re-vised


          Okay, this was an entry for Anicat111's challenge from a long time ago. (which I won! Yipeeeeee!) Here are what was required for the fic:

                   1.) Someone has to say 'Wassup! Want some beer?'

                   2.) An Animorph must go insane

                   3.) Someone must get kicked in the butt

                   4.) A character must switch places

          So here's the award winning fic (which was written at the eleventh hour out of spite and jealously of Britz's excellent entry---which I cant believe I beat. Eh, well he went on to win some challenges I think). 

          Enjoy!

PS: The music vids mentioned, I later did so if you want to see them, they're up!

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          We open to Lenalaye walking up to a scary looking castle. Her muse is not far behind. A fairy, 

he zips around nervously.

          "Uh…Lenalaye…this looks freaky!" He pulls his maroon cloak closer around him. Lenalaye 

rolls her eyes.

          "Just shut up! We're almost there!" They come up to the doors of the castle. Lighting crackles 

and thunder rolls. 

          "Where in the heck do you think there's a doorbell?" Lenalaye searches. Odrin's eyes drift to a 

rope that's dangling by the entrance.

          "What about this do-hickey?" He yanks on it and the floor opens up. They stay suspended in 

mid air a few moments then plummet down the hole.

          "Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" Lenalaye and the muse scream until they tumble out onto some 

cobblestone. 

          "Ah yes, I've been expecting you…." Lenalaye and Odrin gasp. A turned around chair sits in 

front of a fireplace. A hand holds a wine glass loosely. Lenalaye and Odrin pick themselves up and go 

to the mysterious figure. 

          "W-w-who are you?" Odrin asks. The chair suddenly twirls around as dire music plays. Odrin 

gasps and Lenalaye sighs, exasperated.

          "Air Wolf…did you have to scare the crap out of us like that?" In the chair sits a teenage girl in 

silver robes. She hangs her head in shame.

          "I just wanted to look cool…." She then snaps her head up. "Hey! Actually I do have a reason 

for your coming here…" she waves a hand to two seats. Lenalaye sits down, Odrin hovering over her 

shoulder in a suspicious manner.

          "Yeah so? I have so many projects now it ain't funny! What's up?" Air Wolf takes a sip of her 

wine glass which actually has V8 Splash Fruit Juice in it. 

          "Remember that conversation we had about taking over the world?" Lenalaye arches an 

eyebrow.

          "The we-invade-another-planet one or the we resurrect-the-Roman-Empire one?" Air Wolf 

frowns.

"Uh…anyway….I was thinking we could do that now…just cuz…well it's the summer 

and….ya know…." Lenalaye strokes her chin.

"Hmmm….what do you suggest?"

"Well I was thinking we could ally with You-Know-Who…"

"Who?"

          "Ya know….You-Know-Who?"

"Come again?"

"He who must not be mentioned!" 

"Ur…yeah…is that Harry Potter stuff?" 

"You tell me Lenalaye!" Air Wolf throws up her hands in frustration. 

          "Okay but I have a better idea. Animorphs just ended and well, HP will be going on for a few 

more years. How about we steal a Blade Ship and go terrorize the Animorphs? Take over Earth like 

ya said…." Air Wolf takes another sip and ponders this.

          "Ah well, whatever as long as we get to blow up stuff."

          "Oh I believe that will be in order my dear colleague…." Lenalaye and Air Wolf laugh insanely. 

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With the Animorphs…

          "So there's my genius plan to save Earth. Any questions?" The animorphs all lounge around.   
  


          "Huh? I didn't catch you on that?" Marco says.

          "Don't make me explain again…" Jake groans.

          "Sorry man, it's so warm out, kinda turns your brain to mush…"

          "I am soooo hot!" Rachel rubs a wet cloth around her neck and face.

          "Damn right…." Marco says his eyebrows raised in a promiscuous manner. 

          TSSSSERRRRRR! Tobias swoops down and Marco takes a glancing hit at the side of his 

head.

          "Touchy,  touchy!" Marco says. Suddenly with a POOF!! A fairy appears.

          "Wassssssuuup! Want some beer!" There is wild applause from an audience off screen. Then 

there is another POOF!! And Visser Three appears.

          Wasssuuupp! Want some beer? Odrin smacks V3 with his muse wand.

          "I already said that dumbass! Don't steal my material!" 

          Isn't it technically Anicat111's material? 

          "Don't smart ass me horse boy!" Odrin hits him a few times more. 

          "Now I'm _hallucinating_! Geez turn the fan on Cassie…" Jake gawks at the spectacle. 

          "No, we are real Jakey my boy." Odrin sits on V3's shoulder.

          "Oh really? Good, can you pass me a tall frosty one?" Marco says. Odrin taps his foot 

impatiently then gives V3 a whap in the head.

          Ur…uh would you prefer Light or Dark? 

          "Dark."

          Samuel Adams or Budweiser?

" Samuel Adams."

Head or no head?

"No head…geez just give me the damn thing!" V3 pulls out a wand and taps his open palm. 

With a billow of smoke a glass of beer appears. 

          "Thanks…" Marco grabs it and takes a sip. He sprays it out in shock.

          "Holy shit! What are you doing giving me beer V3?" V3 hangs his head and grinds a hoof into 

the ground.

          I got kicked out of my old job. These two girls came and muscled me out . I had to find 

myself a new job…

          "As what?" Cassie asks.

          Muse's apprentice. Odrin whacks him again.

          What did I do this time?! 

          "I just like to whack the crap out of ya."

          "So who's our enemy now?" Jake asks. 

          "My master and her friend. They're  coming to hassle you." 

CRUNCH!!! 

          "Here they come now…" The Blade Ship lands just outside the barn but its force manages to 

collapse the structure. The door opens and mist simmers all around. Two dark figures emerge.

          "Wasssuupp! Want some beer?" One of them says.

          "That's already been said! Twice!" Rachel yells. Lenalaye blinks and whips out a scrap of 

paper. 

          "Darn. Okay hold on…" She and Air Wolf consult over the paper. Odrin's face lightens.

          " I know!" He zips around and kicks V3 in the butt.

          Real mature Odrin! V3 rubs his behind. 

          "That really wasn't funny so let's not count it." Air Wolf says and Lenalaye nods her head.

          "So are we gonna rumble or not?" Rachel says with her arms folded. 

          "Okay." Air Wolf says and she climbs back into the ship. It rises into the air. Suddenly, a beam 

lights up and shines on Cassie. She begins to rise into the air.

          "Ahhhh!!!" She is then taken aboard. 

          We have to save her! Tobias calls out.

          "Really? What was your first clue Sherlock?" 

          "Just let's morph and go kick some ass!" Rachel begins morphing grizzly and the others follow 

in suit. 

Aboard the ship….

          Cassie awakes on the cool metal ground of the ship. Hork-Bajir guards hoist her up and begin 

dragging her down the hall. They throw her down at the feet of two ornate thrones.

          "Ah the bitch arrives!" Air Wolf cheers. Cassie stands up.

          "Why am I here?! What did I do?" Air Wolf and Lenalaye exchange a glance.

          "You're our least favorite so we're gonna make you go insane."

          "No please!" she turns to Lenalaye " I'm the character everyone says you're like!" Lenalye's 

eyes narrow.

          "All the more reason to make you squeal with pain. Guards! Take her to Momo…" Guards 

take Cassie to a room. As she enters,

          "…by a moment here with yoooooou! Standing here until you make me moooooove! Just 

hanging by a moment here with yoooooooooou!" Momo bobs her head happily. 

          "Ahem." A guard coughs.

          "Desperate for changing, starving for truth. I'm closer to where I started, chasing after you…." 

          "AHEM!" the guard coughs louder. 

          " Falling even more in love with yooooou! Letting go of all I've held onto . I'm standing here 

until you make me moooooooove…." The guard goes and smashes the CD player. Momo snaps out 

of her daze and smiles.

          "And a Snarfy Narfy hello to you!" The guards thrust Cassie over.

          "Orders are  as follows…" The guards unroll a scroll.

          "This moralizing, foolish, idiotic, sappy, weepy wench girl shall be put through extreme, 

agonizing, painful, horrific, unbearable, excruciating…" He looks down the rest of the list.

          "It kinda dribbles off towards the end….just torture her…" The guards leave and Momo stares 

at Cassie.

          "Hi! I'm Momo Claus." Cassie quivers and shakes.

          "No matter what you do! I promise! YOU WILL NOT BREAK ME!!" Cassie bellows. Momo 

blinks.

          "Really? No chance? Awww man! What do I do now?" she throws up her hands. 

          "Uhh…something not painful….." 

          "Okay then, how about we just listen to Lifehouse…" She goes to a backup CD player with a 

backup copy of 'No Name Face' 

          "If shame had a face I think it would kinda look like mine. If it had home it would be my 

eyes…." 'Sick Cycle Carousel' starts playing.

          "I love this song. I think it goes with Jake, you know towards the end? Are you two still 

together?" Cassie nods.

          "Cool! Hold on, after this song, I want to play 'Breathing' for you. It has this neato music vid 

to it…." 

An hour later….

          "LET ME OUT!! FOR THE LOVE OF EARTH, LET ME OUT!!!" Cassie hammers on the 

door. 

          "But wait! You haven't heard my idea for 'Cling and Clatter'! I was thinking something with 

Elfangor actually, and Loren. You know wandering around that place they created with the Time 

Matix,  cuz there's this part that goes 'and it's all good, if you could stop the world from making 

sense…' Oh! And I have this idea for Ax singing it 'In my head what you did is ringing, killing 

Elfangor...'" Cassie shrieks. 

          "JUST SHUT UP ABOUT THAT DAMN BAND!!" Momo's mouth drops.

          "You don't like Lifehouse? You are telling me that it isn't absolutely wonderful?" 

          "NOOOOOOO!!" Momo's eyes turn red.

          "No one dissis Lifehouse!"  Momo Claus ties Cassie to a chair, which is tipped on its back. 

Two speakers lie on either side of her head. 

          "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" Air Wolf and Lenalaye listen outside.

          "And you told me she wasn't qualified to torture!" Lenalaye says. 

          "Guess I have to cancel that order of hot racks and pincers…" Suddenly the ground shakes as 

a herd of beasts trample on through. 

          "Well, well…." Air Wolf puts her hands on her hips. 

          Give us Cassie or I'll tear your head off! Rachel of course.

          " Phff! Fine, DEMONS!" She cries out. A big, scary wolf, a women, and a demon appear.

          "These are my inner demons, have fun!"

          You guys are such weasels! Sending your muses and demons to do your work! Tobias 

says.

          "Hey! We write these stories, we need the help! I mean c'mon we're scrawny high school 

girls."

          I believe they have a point.  Ax says. Marco checks out the women that appeared.

          Wow! You're hot! The women's eyes glow red.

          "Was that sexist? I'LL KILL YOU!" Just as she launches herself at Marco. Rachel busts into 

the room and rescues Cassie. Momo blocks the entrance,

          "You're not going anywhere until the CD finishes!" Rachel growls and bears her fangs. 

          "Is that Lifehouse giving a free concert?" Cassie pipes up. 

          "WHAT?!! WHERE?! WHERE?!!" She looks around.

          Right outside that airlock. Momo yanks it open and stupidly jumps out.

          That was easy. Rachel runs out with Cassie to the fight going on outside.  Lenalaye leans on 

a wall as Air Wolf cheers her inner demons on. Cassie  notices the wolf that apparently, can't stop 

sneezing.

          "Oh poor dear…." She goes to help the wolf. 

          "Hey, hey, hey!!!" Air Wolf stands in between. 

          " I think he has allergies…" The wolf's eyes are red. 

          "Well duh! He sneezes ideas for me! Isn't that right Wolf?" Wolf makes an allergy face and 

does a great big sneeze. 

          "Achoooooo!" a stream of magic knocks all to the ground.

          Wow! I just had this really great idea for a fanfic! Jake exclaims.

          It doesn't have to do with a continuation of the last book does it? I am so sick of those…. 

Tobias says. 

          Oh, oh! I have this neato idea for a music video! About Tobias being sad about 

Rachel…goes to the Offspring song 'Gone Away' Ax says. 

          No way! I was thinking the same thing! Except it's about how Jake is depressed! Goes to the 

song 'It's Been Awhile' by Staind. Marco says.

          Phff! Music videos! How about  a romance fic! Where Cassie and Jake get back together… 

Rachel suggests. 

          Is she still seeing that Ronnie guy?  Tobias wonders.

          Ronnie? I don't know, Ronnie, Jason, Albert, Aaron, Greg, Harry… they all just run 

together… Jake says

          Oooo! Cassie is a play-er! Marco says. 

          "Am not!"

"Bad Wolf! No biscuit for you! I'm getting you some Claritin!" Air Wolf shakes her finger at 

the giant wolf that bows his head. Suddenly, 

POOF!

          "Heeeeeeeeere's JOHNNY!" Odrin appears wheedling an ax. POOF!! Momo Claus appears 

with another ax.

          "Heeeeeeeere's MOMO!" Then another POOF!! V3 appears with a stopwatch in his hand. 

          I'm Mike Wallace! I'm Morley Safer! And I'm Ed Bradley! All this and Andy Rooney 

tonight on '60 Minutes'!!! Furious, disembodied applause as V3 says something original. Odrin 

prepares to bring down his ax as punishment on V3,

          "Aw dammit!" he lets the ax drop to the floor. Momo Claus leans on her ax. 

          What the hell? Jake looks at them. 

          "Lenalaye! Your muse is stealing the spotlight!" Air Wolf whines. 

          Hey! We're trying to duke it out here! Rachel adds.

"Why fight when we can par-tey?" Momo suggests. They all turn to Air Wolf.

" Okay whatever, I could use some downtime." The lights dim and a disco ball dangles from 

the ceiling.  Popular 80s music blares from a boom box. 

Watch me now! V3 starts to break dance. The others form a circle and chant,

          "Yeah V3 it's your birthday! Huh! Huh! Huh!" V3 goes into a head spin.

          "You think that's cool!" Odrin starts doing the macrena. Nobody watches him. 

          "HEY! HEY!" Rachel notices him. She begins charging. Then kicks Odrin in the butt.

          "AHHHHHHHH!" Odrin is punted out into space. Rachel goes into the Lotus position. 

          Now that's kicking your ass! ( yeah I stole that from _Charlie's Angels)  The animorphs, _

remaining muse, inner demons, and authors all shimmy and dance. Air Wolf notices Ax in a corner.

          "Here Ax. Get drunk and stumble around for our amusement." She hands him a can of beer. 

          Marco shimmies up to Lenalaye,

          "So….come here often?" Lenalaye promptly shimmies away. 

          "PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC WHITE BOY!!!" the boom box screams. V3 does a disco 

dance. 

          "Awwww now isn't he cute?" Cassie remarks. Rachel looks at V3 with a frown.

          "Who? _Him?" _

          "No! Geez girl! I'm talkin about Ax!" Rachel follows Cassie's look. 

          "I'm the animorph of the partttteeeeeeeeee!" Ax crashes by in human morph with a lampshade 

on his head.  Marco goes up to him.

          "_You are __not an Animorph! See it's in the print!" Marco presents a book. Ax takes a swig of _

beer and peers at it. He plucks it from Marco's hand and tosses it away. 

          "Ow!" It hits Rachel in the eye. Ax stumbles up to Lenalaye and they start talking. 

          "Hey Rachel! Wanna freak?" Tobias asks. Rachel nods and they begin freaking on the floor. 

          "Dammit! And me without my Polaroid…" Marco grumbles. He looks at Ax and Lenalaye. 

Lenalaye scribbles something on paper and hands it to Ax, giggling. 

          "What?! I was beaten to a girl by a drunken alien?! Man I should lower my standards…."

          "Or just get better pick up lines." Jake suggests.

          "Hmmm….how about, 'Nice legs, what time----'" 

          "Uh, no."

"Okay, what about 'Are you wearing space pants cuz your ass---'"

" No, no. Something more like 'Does your back hurt? Because you just fell from heaven.'" 

Marco stares at Jake.

          "You are such a cornball!" 

          "At least I'm not a horndog."

          "Good point." Marco grabs and beer. He searches for Ax.

          "Whoa! Looks like Ax is gettin pretty faced!" he looks to Ax who is in the middle of a circle. 

He's staggering-dancing as everybody claps for him,

          "Hmmmm hmmmm hmmm lalalalalaaaaa" he sings. 

          "I don't get it! When he's sober and human, he can barely stand! Now he's drunk and human 

and he hasn't fallen once!" Jake rants. Marco's already off trying to charm another girl. 

          "Are you wearing space pants? Because your ass is out of this world…" Air Wolf just gapes at 

Marco in horror. Then throws a keg's worth of beer in his face. 

          "Hey Jake! Wanna freak?" Cassie asks. 

          "Okay." Cassie and Jake go to the dance floor. In the background we see Air Wolf chasing 

Marco with an ax. V3 is still dancing like there's no tomorrow. Ax, it seems, has passed out from all 

the booze. Eventually, everyone staggers home or is dragged out. Janitorial staff gets to cleaning the 

ball room of the Blade Ship. Suddenly POOF!!

          "Hey, hey!.... Hey?" a guy and a girl appear. They look around.

          "Dammit Andrew we missed the party!" the girl says with a British accent. 

          "Don't worry. We can always try the next planet." POOF!! They disappear. 

          "Sometimes, I wonder why they ever invented scented candles…." A janitor mutters and 

sweeps. 

          THE END TO THIS STUPID FIC!!

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Thanks Momo (even though I made you jump out of an airlock like an idiot), Air Wolf, Danel ( for brief use of your characters at the end "Para-cosmic Plumber", go read it!) Thanks for reading! Hope I was entertaining! NARF!

PS: Momo Claus…….SNORK!!!

          __


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